heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
