It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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