there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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