Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
