I heard we made out
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
