Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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