I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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