Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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