he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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