We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
