i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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