There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
