Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
