does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I stole a fireplace last night.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
