Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
