Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
