I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
