Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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