Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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