My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
someone owes me an orgasm
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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