Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
