I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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