Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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