My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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