Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Randomize
