Farmville is her only friend.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
