there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
