ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
