Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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