Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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