she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Randomize
