I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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