I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
