She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
