Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
