Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
