I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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