We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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