I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Randomize
