Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
