DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
