and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
