Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
