i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
