Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
