I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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