i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
