oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
