why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
