I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
