Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
