Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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