I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
