I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
